The "What Ifs" --- Lewis

Sometimes I like to think "What If." I don't do it seriously, but it is interesting to think about. I know that I've thought about what things would change if I had taken a certain path on a walk, or if I had spoken to a certain person that I never actually got around to speaking to. Most of the time these thoughts are looking backwards and playing back moments in my mind of times that I can't have again, moments that will always just be memories; experiences that I can't change.

What if I had gone to a different university and met different friends, had different experiences, or chosen a different subject to study? Where would I be now? What if I hadn't taken time off after college to move to Ohio and meet all the people I now know as friends? Would I have met them at some point later on?

These thoughts could even be taken back further, back to the times of when I was young and full of energy; when I was impressionable and naive. Those crucial days when the mind is shaped and molded.

What if I had actually decided to do exactly what all my friends did back in high school instead of playing it safe and being the voice of reason, stepping back when things weren't going the way they were supposed to go? What if I hadn't written that story in third grade that made me want to write more? What if, in kindergarten when my friend Sarah and I would laugh all day long together, I had actually decided to color within the lines?

Some of these thoughts, these happenings, my personal history, seem so simple and unimportant. But what would really happen if these times were changed? What would really happen if I had chosen a completely different path than the one I am living on today? Each moment that we live comes with choices. These choice lead to other moments with different, new choices. Each choice has some kind of consequence and can change the direction of the motion of life. Each step that we take will change where we go and how long it will take us to get there.

There are some moments that I would admittedly take back. Those little "oops" moments where I can look back and say, "I made the wrong choice." A moment where I took something that wasn't mine. A moment where I hurt someone when I shouldn't have. A moment when I didn't go up and meet new people and make new friends. A moment when I could have pushed myself harder to achieve even greater things.

What if I could go back and give back the things that I took? What if I could take back every harsh word that I said; take away any heartache that I might have caused someone? What if I had gotten to know some of the people who aren't around any more? What if I had asked more questions of those I did get to know? What if I had pushed myself further in my studies? What if I had put more effort into every activity that I had started?

I could say that I do wish I knew what I know now when I was younger (I stole that one from a song by the way). I'm sure that at some point in our lives we all take a look back at our own personal history and ponder the paths we have taken and where they have taken us today.

In my "wise old age" now that I am finally 26, I can say that I have looked back often to see where my feet stepped. I can follow the path just like a well marked road map (or perhaps one of those treasure maps in the cartoons, you know, the ones with the path marked out in red and at the end of the trail is a giant X marking the spot). At the end of the road is the spot that I stand on today; the place that all the choices I made yesterday and the day before have brought me.I don't want to turn around and take it back. There are plenty of mistakes that I may have made. There are plenty of bad choices that I could have made better. I could have had a better attitude when taking on certain tasks. I could have pushed myself to do better. I could have encouraged others in a better way. I could have ended up in a different place.

What if I looked back into the past for a moment and observed everything I saw? What if I took this knowledge of the steps that I have taken and turned back around to face forward? What if I made better choices tomorrow? What if, tomorrow, I am better able to take the right steps to direct my path where I would have it go because I had looked back and remember the mistakes that I had made before? What if I was able to change my future?

My personal history, the path that had led me to this point in life, is part of what makes me who I am. It is what makes me Lewis. I can't take any of it back even if I wanted to. I can only look forward and make sure I am taking better steps from here on out.